Hopefully inspite of my uber eloquent tendencies I will manage to make
a precise blog entry about the psyche of mr.t and not make it too
long.(old habits die hard?)
Mr.T-He is professionally very successful,and if you looked at him and
estimated how old he might be..you might guess -hey,maybe 35 ? and
then You look up his REAL biological age and gasp at the fact that he
is nearing 50..
He doesn't really work out..coz a WORK OUT body in men looks too FAKE
and those overworked pectorals that often accompany an eight pack
abdomen often end up looking like bulging man boobs...
without working out He still somehow has a great young looking
body.Maybe it is his youthful mannerisms,maybe it is his love for
surfing or his kickboxing and maybe a healthy diet coupled by a
youthful attitude--he just LOOKS YOUNG..
SO,in the PUBLIC EYE...a great succesfull man professionally, who
LOOKS YOUNG and feels young and behaves young and often in a world
where having a family and kids is often counted as a great
success...HE DOES HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS....
So,IN THE PUBLIC EYE..he HAS IT ALL...
But MY ASTUTE EYE notices that there is something in MR.T that is
unresolved,open ended,and when i read between the lines ,I would
descrbe as HIM BEING TROUBLED..something emotional that has been left
unresolved or left unattended in him for years now...Happens to a lot
of teenage boys-so many unrealistic macho expectations from teen boys
causes them to bottle up their real personalities and put up a front
of macho courage.
His dad died 15 years ago....and yet...HE GREiVES...HE STILL GREiVES
like his dad died yesterday...
Maybe MR.T feels like his dad only saw his early failures in life and
didn't live long enough to see WHAT A RESOUNDING SUCCESS HE HAS BECOME
NOW...maybe that is the UNRESOLVED EMOTIONAL TROUBLE that MR.T
silently and unknowingly HARBORS?(OR knowingly harbors?)
And sometimes I feel like his YOUTHFUL MANNERISMS are just a desperate
midlife crisis attemp to hold on to this youth.....and sometimes his
body language and his juvenile TICK LIKE mannerisms,like the
constantly shaking of his legs when he is very nervous or that slight
twist of his spine to assume an almost SCOLIOSIS like position when he
gets too involved in explaining something(maybe this is an australian
male cultural thing .I have seen other aussie males assume this
posture too) are all signs of the UNDERLYING sea of nervousness THAT
HE HIDES under that happy go lucky strong succesful man persona..
Honestly,to be fair..I don't know if he DELIBERATELY HIDES THE
EMOTIONAL SIDE OF HIM AT ALL.he does cry on camera..he gets all
emotional and hugs people spontaneously and all that..that IS NOT what
he is hiding.HE IS HIDING THIS OTHER FACE OF EMOTION-the emotional
turmoil in his head..
What emotional turmoil?Bottled up emotional turmoil?
As a young teenager,maybe the fact that he was suddenly TRANSPLANTED
from his ancestral country TO australia ,AND then the racist bullying
that he faced at school due to his skin color(WHICH BTW IS THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL TONE-that i have taken to in a very sexual manner) changed
him forever and sowed some emotional turmoil seeds THAT NEVER GOT
Loving your dad or grieving his death is definitely normal..ALL OF US
WILL GRIEVE THE DEATH OR LOSS OF OUR PARENTS FOREVER...but then,,there
is a slightly UNRESOLVED ELEMENT TO IT ALL......
So,GIVEN THAT HE IS SO OLD and given that I RARELY GET SEXUALLY
ATTRACTED TO MEN SO UNDENIABLY...it SHOCKED ME that i would so easily
take to an OLD MAN( in my mind i highly frown upon couples with a huge
Then,I suddenly realize that it is my need to reach out and help
people in their emotional turmoil that kinda TTRIGGERED this
attachment I have found with this OH SO YOUNG LOOKING old man....
And this was the same trigger that initially led me to start
communicating with mr.green as well.
THE KINDNESS SEXUAL TRIGGER,I am going to call this from now on!
The first reaction was the KINDNESS that caused me to reach out and
then SUDDENLY,boom,something else happened too.The fact that he is so
sweet in so many other ways and the fact that he is NOT AFRAID to get
down and dirty if situations demand,the fact the he is so soft and
gentle ...and the fact that his skin tone is multiracially caucasoid
but yet a few days of the sun suddenly turns it into a beautiful
bronze that somehow suits his facial features ..aand the fact that I
REALLY DON'T LIKE BRONZE TONES OF SKIN as a sexual rule(no racism
involved here-just choice) and yet,this man made me love it
WHEN YOU FEEL LOVE, YOU MUST CELEBRATE LOVE..which I DID...when i
wrote the poem called A FLEETING LOVE IN FEBRUARY and posted it on my
'poetry and poise blog',but,THIS is not the love to be celebrated too
long...this is love that must make me ask questions about
myself....about the emotions in my own head too.
hmmm.THE FACT THAT I AM GETTING ATTRACTED TO EMOTIONAL TROUBLED OLDER
MEN....It kinda saddens me..COZ,THEN,that says SOMETHING ABOUT ME
WHAT DOES that say about me?
BTW..never WOULD broach this THING WITH MR.T further.I wrote that poem
to purge him out and STOPPED TALKING to him altogether..coz IN MY
MIND,given that I am so talented and young and pretty...definitely..I
MUST LOOK FOR another young talented pretty man WHO IS ALSO
SINGLE.....otherwise..it is just unfair FOR SOME OLD MAN TO score
me,no?...LIKE i AM A TROPHY PRIZE,thus, leaving me feeling like I SOLD
OUT FOR LESS , all my life..
That very awareness in my mind,will PREVENT any good to come out of
this PROJECTED ASSOCIATION between mr.t and me or for that
matter,mr.green and me.
Having said that...given that MR.GREEN , though 5 years younger than
MR.T..is still OLD ENOUGH for me to think he is too old for me..was
probably what started it all.this sympathetic attitude towards older
men.THIS KINDNESS TRIGGER OF LOVE
The dilemma that i faced at that time in 2009..to decide if I should
pursue it at all ,that thing with mr.green WHICH i felt very
undeniably knowing fully well what a flawed fraud drunk he
was,surprised me and made me question my sanity...and ofcourse,my
dilemma was cut short by finding out that he married this other
lady..(or maybe he was married all along,who knows-given the
deliberate lies which he terms as BOTH OF US WANTING IT,I hardly even
know WHAT REALLY HAPPENED back then)...
THE ABRUPT ENDING of my association with mr.green that happened(with
many questions unanswered,was what prompted me to have this UNREQUITED
ELEMENT TO IT ALL in my head...
The unrequited part of it all that I NEEDED SOMEONE ELSE TO TRANSFER
that remnant love onto?
hmmmm..true..A TRUE CASE OF TRANSFEReNCE?
Coming back to analyzing MR.T somemore,
So,15 years ago his dad dies. and incidentally,soon after his dad
dies,he marries.Don't want to sound like a critical bitch..but
seriously,men marrying their subordinates often qualifies as them
using MONEY POWER to buy someone's sex...Also,sometimes people make
mistakes on a rebound..or when you are emotionally vulnerable after
the loss of a loved one.
I hate marriages with POWER INEQUALITY...
he has been married to that same woman for the past 15 or 12
years..has 3 kids...BUT i view such a marriage as an
insipid,dyfunctional marriage of convenience..I CAN'T RESPECT such
business arrangement like marriages..
So many folks continue in a pointless marriage for decades..COZ THEY
ARE SO busy to even take the trouble of breaking up...They wait till
atleast one person in the marriage suddenly comes across someone else
that THEY INTENSELY CONNECT WITH...and what then happens is a MESS..
Which is why, AFTER WRITING THAT POEM, I STOPPED talking to him
altogether.I DON'T WANT NO MESS IN MY LIFE!
So,NOW,in the past two years,,suddenly,MR.T, had entered a phase in
life..where HE HAS REBLOSSOMED
and now in this process of REALLY COMING TO LIFE AGAIN, at a point
sometime in the future,,he IS GOING TO REALIZE how dysfunctional his
AND i want him to realize this ON HIS OWN,,without me being a carrot
at the end of the stick,...
with or without me in his life..HE SHOULD BE WISE ENOUGH TO REALIZE
that his marriage is dysfunctional...
ANYWAYS..I am out of this mess EVEN BEFORE IT STARTS...but each time i
see him...a slight warmth penetrates my soul...AWWW.
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Monday, May 13, 2013
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