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Thursday, May 23, 2013

How did I confirm that my love for MR.T is not an offshoot of unrequited MR.Green love?

I found MR.T and his cutest personality in janurary of 2013..
yeah,TIMELINE OF LOVE is just about right.
I possibly might have fleetingly known of his presence sometime in the
past years,but I never really paid attention to his every move..or
personality or never got the opportunity to stop short in my steps and
pay attention either.
but ,serendipitiously,I did it this jan and suddenly, I was like,
"hey,I like him,His body,his talk,his flaws"everything..
Again,this man is already married(his marriage is whatever it is and
that is none of my business,so I won't go there here in this blog
entry now) and he has three kids too.and
And
And I am this pretty ,young beautiful doctor woman with many other
talents-who had the sense to WAIT IT UP and not be married instead of
just marrying the first aggreeable person that comes my way.
well, AND
aND mr.t IS ALMOST 50 and I am 34..Yes,he got married to his current
wife when he was 34 too...and THE THING NOW IS OUR AGE DIFFERENCE..and
but
If I just showed ANYONE a picture of MR.T...he still looks like 34..i
SELDOM compliment people on how young they look unless they looking
ALARMINGLY TOO YOUNG LOOKING for their age..
and he does..HE LOOKS LIKE he is in his 20s...
aGAIN,not that botox,makeup,hairstyling aided fake robotic youngness..
i AM TALKING here about "not afraid to stick his legs in a muddy pond
in an old pair of shorts and shirt and yet,MANAGING TO LOOK ,uber
young!" and cutey!

So,BUT AGAIN..I look young for my age too..at 34,,often at
supermarkets,,,I get approached by teenage boys and girls, wanting to
befriend me or wanting to ask which school I am at or which
college....SO..I am assuming that if I continue to have a holistic
lifestyle, when I HIT 50..i WOuld still manage to look very young
too..So,just like him,at 50, I would end up looking 30 too.

BUT THE POINT IS.
When I hit 50 and when I look 30 at 50..he would be 65 and then prolly
his age will start showing,surely, hair will thin down very much...it
already is,kinda.
SO,IN ALL,
a conclusion,
ALL OF US MUST MARRY our own age...JUST TO KEEP THE BEAUTIFUL
SYNCHRONICITY OF PERSONALITIES EVEN MORE SOLID..

Thus, conclusively,I WILL NEVER DELIBERATELY AND OFFICIALLY BROACH A
ROMANTIC SIDE TO THIS IMMENSE LOVE OR LIKING I FEEL FOR MR.T..given
our age difference.

But,GIVEN that, UNLESS i stop talking altogether to him,tHE MUTUAL
LOVE will only blossom further,I HAVE STOPPED directly communciating
with him after having written one heck of a LONGEST love POEM in
february about him(you can find that poem if you browse my poetry
blog)

But,HIS SHEER EXISTENCE brings such GREAT JOY FOR ME,that I often just
derive joy by reading his blogs,facebook and twitter and such.
I AM NOT A LURKING CREEP....i AM just trying to PREVENT an overt
involvement by direct interaction, yet,,,WANT TO derive the balm to my
soul from his uber-likeable personality.:))

HE HAS SUCH A POSITIVE EFEECT ON ME EACH DAY,much in contrary to what
my interaction to mr.green did to me in 2009 and 2010.

Mr.green is in his mid forties,a MAN,who is NOW MARRIED to someone else.
A MAN who wrote a love letter to me three or four days prior to his
ALLEGED wedding date to this woman he is married to now.

I NEVER got to know about this marriage for months after it had
happened,coz he NEVER MENTIONED his marriage in his love letter ...the
one he wrote days prior to his wedding.to me

I NEVER replied to that love letter back then,coz we had officially
called it all off by jan and i DIDN'T WANT TO RAKE IT UP AGAIN,by
replying to his love letters that he wrote out of the blue.

BUT, by may of 2010,I STARTED missing him and given that his last
communication to me was this februrary 2010 love letter he wrote me,I
TRIED contacting him and THAT IS WHEN THE SHIT HIT THE FAN..I had no
idea he was married by then..but he was AND HE ASSUMED(quite stupidly)
that I was out to destroy his marriage..WHAT THE FUCK!!

So, the whole fiasco ended very badly..with a lot of exposing our
private letters to public...It is funny for mr.green to write love
letters to a person and then THREE MONTHS DOWN THE LINE, rashly call
that very person a stalker,no?
FUCKING IDIOT,both him for writing it and ME TOO for believing that
love letter.

Anyways..YEARS HAVE PASSED..atleast four..

In my mind that WHOLE THING IS UNREQUITED,in a sense,incomplete, with
many questions unanswered..

So,YEAH,aLSO, back then,IN OUR INITIAL INTERACTIONS,I had outright
rejected mr.green coz he was MUCH OLDER THAN ME.THAT, was,AND is ONE
BIG POINT of ME rejecting him back then.

sO,given that MR.T is much older that mr.green AND i now often see
myself warming up to older men..IT GNAWS at THE BACK OF MY MIND THAT,
"mr.green and the incomplete love affair with him" HAS LEFT THINGS
unrequited in my head to the point that I NOW LOVE OLDER MEN...or warm
up to them atleast?

IT BREAKS MY HEART to think that mr.green could have such a lasting
impact on my psyche to the point of changing my thought process about
what age group is acceptable to date or have sex with(NOPE,I AM NOT
HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE..NEVER DID,even with mr.green..i)

So,yeah..FROM JANUARY to may,now in may,ALL IT TAKES IS to watch a
single NEW PICTURE of mr.t,ANd,even without me realizing,
within seconds..AUTOMATICALLY, a smile APPEARS on my face...

MR.T ..just makes me happy...gets me to a happy mood, WITH JUST the
tiny things he shares on his blog or social media..


That is when IT DAWNED ON ME,
THIS CREEPING SUSPICION,
that mr.T love is nothing but a mr.green love in disguise.


I AM POSSIBLY TRANSFERING ALL MY LOVE FOR MR.GREEN WHICH WENT
UNREQUITED onto this hapless new man, who by his age, represents an
element of mr.green.
HMMMM..


AND THIS SUSPICION was strongly affecting my self esteem..

I had to do something to confirm or refute this theory.

Before I BEGIN telling you how i did ,

I ALSO have to tell you, what mr.green's photos do to me.The mental
reactions they evoke in me.

I DON'T CHECK ON HIS BLOGS EVER...AND THEN once in six months or once
in a year,when I DO,i scan read all of them in one go AND ALL HIS
seemingly happy blogs about his love for his wife and the gift giving
during christmas JUST SENDS ME INTO ANGER MODE..

what love?wtf?DUDE,you wrote ME A LOVE LETTER,three days before you
married her..THAT IS HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER..

I don't know whether you love me or loved me or not,BUT i surely know
that I WOULD BE VERY VERY UPSET IF MY FUTURE HUSBAND WROTE A SERIOUS
LOVE LETTER TO SOME OTHER WOMAN THREE DAYS BEFORE MY WEDDING WITH HIM.

So,IN MY VIEW,theirs is a marriage of convenience NOT love..
sO,quit,PRETENDING ALL "HAPPY COUPLE" on social media...IT REEKS OF FAKE.


so yeah...BTW,just as I type this blog entry(which I AM doing in one
go,like I do all of my blog entries), I CAN LITERALLY SEE MY MOOD
SWING FROM RAGE,when i type out about mr.green, TO flowery happiness
when I TYPE OUT about mr.T...

anyways,


So,EACH time I see a handsome picture of mr.green,I AM suddenly
reminded of the intensely sexual letters we exchanged back then..and
HOW MUCH WE SHARED and it makes me angry that AMIDST ALL THAT,he
married someone else,like a fucking idiot..As if women are
replaceable,,,they are all vaginas afterall?WTF!


now,


I had to sanctify this IMMENSE GOODNESS LOVE I FEEL FOR MR.T, by doing
an experiment TO CONFIRM that it wasn't/ISN'T some remnant love from
mr.green affair.

I DID IT..The experiment that is

IT IS A PAIN TO check his blogs ,mr.greens blogs..SO i never do
it...AND THEN, boom,ONCE A YEAR, i have to, AND i do AND THEN FOR
DAYS..only anger...


SO, NOW...after almost 8 months since last time of checking them , I
GO TO GREEN'S BLOG and his wife's blog and i read,AND WITHIN
MINUTES,anger and I scoff at her stupid giggly blog entry,MOSTLY
ESCAPIST AND MUNDANE and more than anything downright BORING...stupid
and boring..
this time, i COULDN'T read more than a few blog entries..BOOOOOORING..stupid..


So,I DON'T
and then,THAT NIGHT, I COULDN'T SLEEP..only anger

EVER SINCE jan,EACH night, I WOULD lie down ON THE BED and just before
going to sleep, I THINK OF mr.t AND THEN a smile comes over my face
automatically and then I FANTASIZE and then THERE IS SUCH A FEEL GOOD
MOOD, i gently slip into sleep.

sO,NOW, for the first time SINCE JAN 2013,I lay there in bed,VERY
ANGRY,sweating almost,UNABLE TO SLEEP.

I TRIED TO FORCIBLY THINK OF MR.T and then fantasize about him.
nada..nothing happened..
OBVIOUSLY, my mind was ANGRY enough NOT TO BE ABLE TO FANTASIZE ABOUT
anyone..SEXUALLY SWITCHED OFF!

now,WAS THE TIME TO TRY AND FANTASIZE ABOUT MR.GREEN ....

Earlier,before jan 2013,THAT USED TO BE POSSIBLE,FROM TIME TO TIME.
once every six months or once a year,i would miss him and want him.

BUT NOW.I tried and tried to fantasize about mr.green,NOTHING HAPPENED.

I JUST COULDN'T FANTASIZE ABOUT HIM THAT NIGHT..

The whole night,was such a fitful sleep.
AND THE NEXT MORNING,
I woke up with such a BAD BAD HEADACHE,one that I HADN'T EXPERIENCED
FOR SIX MONTHS NOW..bad headache ever!!

It was ruining my day..
I didn't know what to do..

It had also almost been weeks since I had last checked on mr.t BLOG..

So,I went to his twitter and WITHIN SECONDS of seeing his first
picture,I WAS SURPRISED at how much I smiled..

this was the moment..THAT I CONFIRMED that MR.T is NOT a remnant love
from anything unrequited from mr.green.

IT JUST HAPPENS THAT both of them are much older than me..BUT
SURELY,they are VERY VERY DIFFERENT MEN..

And I REALLY DO seek and gain, POSITIVITY FROM MR.T.


And SINCE THAT MOMENT of realization and reconfirmation,I now know
THAT MY LOVE FOR MR.T is a new love.

a different love, a love seperate from mr.green.

AND i AM RELIEVED TO REALIZE AND KNOW THAT...

thanks mr.t...FOR BRINGING ME NEW AND REFRESHING LOVE..hugs and kisses

Yeah,MY REVISITING mr.green's blog happened four or five days ago.
and since then,I HAVE ALREADY WRITTEN HIM ANGRY LETTERS,letters which
were supposed to be friendly letters,which started off as OLD FRIEND
LETTERS,BUT I was horrified to watch myself,INADVERATANTLY GO INTO a
RAGE AS I RECOUNTED ALL THE NASTY BADNESS FROM BACK THEN and soon ,THE
LETTERS WERE HATE LETTERS.

I sent them over anyways...coz..he needs to know the damage he did to me..


MEANWHILE,I am making it a point to read mr.T'S blog each time after I
send an angry letter to mr.green,COZ,the instance i see mr.T's
face,THE WORLD LOOKS LIKE A FLOWERY GARDEN,truly!!


so,THANKEE MR.T...

We know, we should NOT broach this love any further.
BUT IT IS TRULY A NURTURING LOVE...hugs and kisses

And yeah,each night since then,I HAVE HAD NO PROBLEM FANTASIZING ABOUT
MR.T and the moment, I TURN IN MY BED,forcefully trying to have sexual
thoughts about mr.green.AN INSTANT HEADACHE..

So,yeah,I am not some confused creepy idiot who transfers love from
one person's thoughts to another person's body or thoughts..
MY LOVE IS TRUE,MY LOVE IS SANE AND MY LOVE IS HONEST AND I AM NOT
CRAZY...lol...
:))

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