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This blog entry is part of the "ALL ABOUT MR.GREEN" SERIES.All names have been concealed in an effort to protect my own privacy and and also protect the identity of all other parties that are described in these blog articles.
None of these articles are meant as an effort to win back anyone or reconnect with anyone.None of these articles are meant to invade anyone else's privacy or meddle with their current lifestyle either.
These articles are just my effort to purge out all my bad,sad feelings about this person that still are deep rooted in my soul.These blog articles are just so that i can DETOX myself of so much heartache,feelings of second guessing myself and my judgement,the sadness,hurt,yearning and missing someone -that came with my having interacted with this person.I highly regret that I ever made his acquaintance, coz now I am left with a deep dent in my heart and soul and I feel DAMAGED .
Damage that he can never UN-DO !
THE IRONY OF MR.GREEN'S CONTRASTING WORDS
Mr.green is a man I met online sometime in 2009.I never really meant to get romantically or sexually involved with him when I first sought out to have conversations with him.
My initial intent was just to help him out with his ALCOHOLISM.
What happened during the course of those counseling conversations (which btw were FREE and were had by me as a casual friend and not as a doctor),essentially evolved into something else over time.
So,yeah,had I known back then that this man would damage me, the way he managed to end up doing,I would have never ever talked to him to begin with.This is one bad experience I COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT in my life.
This blog entry and all other blog entries under the ALL ABOUT MR.GREEN series are just about this interlude that happened during that period.You can browse my archives and search my tag clouds for MR.GREEN and read more about the various facets of the impact this STRANGER has had on my life.
If you take a look at this particular blog entry you will notice that I have attached a picture to it.This picture is a photo-collage of two different screenshots.One of the screenshots is that of an email mr.green wrote me in Feb,2010.Another screenshot is that of a public tweet reply he wrote to someone else,chiefly,discussing me.This tweet was made by him in MAY,2010.
IN feb,2010,mr.green wrote me an email,Which reads as follows"
As much as we fight and hate our actions to each other ,I can never stay mad at you.XO.Thank you.I don't know why but you have changed my life in so many ways.Actually I do know why...
I hope you are well and have everything you need in your life.
Take care and every hurtful thing I have said to you , I never really meant it.It's only now I understand the saying " we only hurt the ones we love"
I ask only one thing.Please don't hate me a lot. A little hate,ok,I can deal with that :-(
name changed to protect privacy)
FAST FORWARD THREE MONTHS DOWN THE LANE
TWEET DATE MAY 19TH,2010.
Mr.green wrote a public tweet reply to some third party person,talking about me.
This is what was written in that tweet.
name changed to protect privacy) Interesting few emails in your inbox.I don't care about HER(her being me!)but I don't want to be made out to be a monster to friends.Just read.
Now,firstly,about the email mr.green wrote to me
This is one of my favorite emails from him to me..If you see the screenshot,you might notice that it is ONE OF HUNDREDS of emails we have exchanged during that timeperiod .There are quite a few of his emails that are my favorite too,But this one stands out,coz this one,he wrote, a month AFTER we completely and mutually decided to stop talking with each other,given the messy situation .
And this was one of the few emails he wrote to me ON HIS OWN,,not as a reply to my email, but just on his own,out of the blue.
I like spontaneous,unconditional letters like that!
So,yeah,when I read those sweet lines he wrote me,I BELIEVED HIS WORDS.I actually felt good.Felt good,that I could CHANGE HIS LIFE,for the good,and also the he missed me just as much as I did him.
Right from the beginning,I knew he was a very flawed character with a lot of issues.Noone becomes an alcoholic for no reason.There are DEEP UNDERLYING UPSETTING REASONS,that causes a person to become an alcoholic,in addition to the ADDICTIVE PROPERTIES OF ALCOHOL,OFCOURSE.
BUT,i chose TO BE his friend inspite of knowing how insecure and flawed he was as a person.So,yeah,when such a person,finally writes you a letter,telling you how much you changed their life,YOU FEEL VALIDATED...as a doctor and as a friend.
Ofcourse,I didn't reply to this email,coz by then,our whole relationship was a confusing little mess.We had crossed that threshold of being doctor-patient and good friends to something more emotional AND laced with romance and sexuality..That was a dangerous ground to tread-given that i was almost a decade younger than him and our lifestyles and principles in life were poles apart.And also because he was already engaged to another woman,whom he was still sleeping with inspite of our deep emotional conversations each day!
So,ofcourse,we had to let each other go,and part ways.
So,ofcourse,I DIDN'T REPLY to that deep emotional letter he wrote.
Maybe,he wrote it as a PARTING LETTER to me too.
Which i didn't realize back then.
So,the fact that I DIDN'T reply,worked out well for him too.
Then,by may,I just had to talk to him.I Was missing him too much.
This whole affair felt like it was INCOMPLETE.
i HAD TO SET IT RIGHT somehow.
So I tried contacting him.
It was weird, that the person who wrote such an emotional letter to me,WOULDN'T REPLY to my emails or tweets in may.
That was really WEIRD.Just months ago,this man was all gushing in an email to me.Now,why won't he talk.Was he angry I didn't reply to his email back then?
And then,suddenly, I see, one of our common twitter friends,REFER to me as a 'STALKER' on my twitter timeline to another of our common twitter friends.Since both these common friends were still on my twitter friend's list,their conversation to each other was automatically visible on my timeline too.
And then suddenly i see a MONSTER TRANSFORMATION of mr.green.
THAT IS WHEN ,THE SHIT HIT THE FAN and there was shitty mess all over the place!
Amidst all that twitter drama MR.GREEN wrote one particular tweet,which HURT ME VERY MUCH.
Just as I typed this, I started TEARING UP..I am tearing up in 2013,,about some shitty twitter incident that happened in 2010..wow! Deep denting hurt I suppose!
In that tweet,he clearly mentions something that indicates that HE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY FORWARDING OR CIRCULATING our private email correspondence TO SOME THIRD PARTIES,who clearly HAVE NO focking business to meddle in someone' else's private affair!
I can't blame the third parties,coz,the real person to blame is MR.GREEN.He has no respect for his own love for me..HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR HIS OWN EMOTIONS THAT he once expressed in that february email.HE HAS NO RESPECT for me or my privacy.Which is why, he thought it was okay to share OUR private emails to SOME UNCONCERNED THIRD PARTY.
WHAT AN IRONIC CONTRAST-
one moment he showers xoxo ON ME and then next moment,HE TALKS ABOUT ME,like I am a stranger and clearly states THAT HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME.
WHAT AN IRONIC CONTRAST.
Which one should I believe?
well, the latest words are the most valid.
so,though in feb,he probably cared about me..by may,,a mere three months.HE NOT ONLY STOPPED CARING ABOUT ME,,but also decided that MY PRIVACY IS NOT WORTH GUARDING..
So,my privacy and me ,were all PROMPTLY and thoughtlessly thrown under the bus,IN FULL view of VOYEURISTIC THIRD PARTIES,to watch and savor,which they possibly did and still do , just as an escape from their own shitty meaningless lives.
And here I am in 2013,still REELING UNDER THE SHOCK of it all.The fact that he was so CALLOUS,so disrespectful,with me and my emotions.
I have one question to ask.
WHO EXACTLY IS A FRIEND?
When you thank someone profusely,give them xoxox,shed tears and tell that they changed your life forever,isn't that person COUNTED AS A FRIEND?
When you have 14hr conversations with someone,miss them day in and day out,eagerly beg for them to send you pictures,have sexual,romantic and deep emotional conversations with someone,DOESN'T that person count as a FRIEND?
wHAT MADE mr.green think THAT MY PRIVACY didn't matter when he made shitty tweets about me.My physical and emotional safety didn't matter to him in may 2010,when he threw me under the bus with his extremely DISRESPECTFUL CALLOUS ACTIONS AND WORDS!
What allowed him to give himself the permission to do such shitty things to me?
An unstable mind?
A mind which is TRIGGER HAPPY-MOMETARILY GRATIFIED AND EASILY ALTERED?
It took him only three months to just decide,I was not worth his love or respect?WTF!
More than anything,I FEEL ASHAMED,that this is the person,I ONCE SHARED SUCH DEEP WORDS WITH.I feel ashamed that I DIDN'T have the emotional intelligence to recognize his personality! or maybe I did know of his true personality and yet I was so desperately lonely back then , that inspite of knowing how INADEQUATE HE WAS,i still wanted THOSE MOMENTARY MAKE-BELIEVE LOVE EXCHANGES..maybe I was depserate.who knows!