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Monday, March 30, 2009

Why do men leave you after having a baby ?

Okay, this is not me asking this question. Someone actually sent in this query. So ,of course, I decided to keep their request. But then, since I am a physician and have read my fair deal of psychiatry and behavioral science at med school, I am kinda equipped to answer this question for ya.I figured that my other usual readers might like to know the answer to this question as well.

The literal question that they asked was
" Why do men have a child with you and then leave you ?"
Anyways, MY ANSWER :

                                              First off, this is a sad situation to be in, if at all anyone is in this situation. Coz, you are viewing the whole situation is , Someone LEFT me , rather than viewing it as , The relationship just didn't WORK FOR THEM.
                                Look at this way.If they really want to be with you, they would,yeah?simple and clear.If they don't want to be, there obviously is a reason(right or wrong is not the point.They just don't want to be with you in the key )
                                     You are subconsciously viewing this situation as a personal failure, as if something was not adequate in you coz of which this person left you. Such a inadvertent self blame leads to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

                              My first advice would be, please understand that people do things  mostly because of  who THEY are , even more than whom they are reacting to . The way people respond to a situation has got to do more about the person's past experiences than even the situation itself. It is all relative perception.

                                       Okay, well, perhaps this person typed this question out as a general query keeping in mind a stereotype in certain communities where men have sex with you and then as soon you are are pregnant or you have their child, they give up and walk way from the relationship.
                                             I have seen this a lot in Brazilian and South American communities where the spread of AIDS has been rampant mainly because of men impregnating and walking out and the harm of multiple sex partners etc.Such walking out on pregnant partners is very common in other countries of low standards of living-Carribean, African countries (most of them ) ..So, yeah poverty is one big reason too.
                     A child does cost a lot to bring up and the guy just fears the monetary ramifications and runs away..All because, biologically he can run away from the fetus he took part to create.That in one  biological ramification of being male..I am sure if the pregnant female could somehow run away from the unwanted fetus she would too.But that is the topic of a whole other blog entry.

                                   Coming back to the present topic of why men leave after impregnating a female,
more.

                                         I really don't like stereotyping to explain human behavior. Each of us are so unique  in that>>We would be doing a ton of injustice if we tagged all male behavior into one and all female behavior into one. So most stereotyping is inaccurate . yeah, sometimes people deliberately try to conform to common stereotypes so that they can be called normal. You know, like these social rules where they say>This is what men are supposed to do and since i am a male, i better behave the same way they say I am supposed to behave or else, i am going to be called weird.

So , anyways, a guy has a child with a woman, they he leaves her/ why do you think that happens?
                                              First off, no matter what the situation has been that had led to the birth of the child, someone walking out of a relationship even after having a child says that they really don't feel the connection with the woman to want to stay with her , the child withstanding.
                                  This can happen
a/if the pregnancy was unexpected,
b/had happened due to failure of contraception or
c/if the woman had the child in spite of his wishes of continuing the pregnancy or
d/she told him that she was using contraception but wasn't actually taking any precautions and now he feels stuck with a child he didn't want to have in the first place.

                      Many people try to use a pregnancy as a emotional tactic to force a man to stay with them. well, having said all that, now that a child is already born, if the guy is a generally responsible parent , he would rather prefer to stay in the relationship just for the child. But if he is a little panicky or feels highly betrayed that he is very very angry and sees himself as a victim, then the anger goes beyond parental instincts.Then he might want to get out of it just to prove a point that he cannot be duped into a a relationship just due to a pregnancy.

Now, all of the above explanations are only for a pregnancy that was not planned.

There are so many cases where couples get married or otherwise, see their relationship going downhill once a child is born.
                           Sometimes people meticulously plan a pregnancy and have a child but after they have the child, they start bickering about who will change the diapers and who will feed the baby and such. It gets bitter and bitter as arguments continue this way.
                                  Often, a time of pregnancy or the time period when the mom is breastfeeding, she is most vulnerable, since of course she is the one breastfeeding at all odd hours no matter what and she is the one going through all the biological changes no matter how supportive the spouse is,.
                                           At the end of the day the mom might feel like she is doing much more than the husband in terms of child care. When women feel like a victim they get quite emotional and might bring up the issue with the husband and then again arguments might sprout up .
                                      In such a case , since the guy is not biologically undergoing any change , as in, he is not carrying the baby physically, it is easy for him to walk out even. IN a fit of anger, some men do walk out just coz they can .
                          As in, they are not carrying the baby and they can escape out of it at the peak of frustration. Such a walking out is truly representative of the fact that the father of this child is irresponsible in someway. And also because it is possible for him to walk away much unlike a pregnant woman who is in her advanced pregnancy and she is frustrated too but just can't walk way coz she is carrying the baby. It is all about biology and physiology.
                                         Also , sometimes, people don't think hard about what having a child entails. They make eager immature decisions to have a child and actually not mentally equipped or prepared to be a good parent and in such a situation, they end up repenting after having the child and most likely since they can't send the child back into the vagina, just do some resentful style of parenting.

                                In such situations too , men walk way quick , first off , they are scared and irresponsible and well, biologically since they are not breastfeeding they use that as a lame excuse for not taking custody of the child .
                                               So , for all the woman who want to have a child with a man.
a/Please take you time.
b/Both men and women need to actively use contraception till the time that both man and woman are very eager to become parents.
c/If one person forces or emotionally blackmails another person into a pregnancy , then the results of such parenting are going to be forced and resentful and disastrous.
d/Don't use pregnancy as a tool to ensure that someone will stay with you forever.
Since, I think everyone deserves to be with someone who doesn't need to be forced to be with them.

Won't you want a partner who wants to willingly stay with you even without a pregnancy rather than someone who is irritated each day that you tricked them into staying with you?


Also,
a/children are not a joke,
b/They are not your personal tools to use against your spouse. Please don't drag them into family feuds with your spouse, brainwashing them and forcing the children to take sides and such. Please leave them out of the fights.


Well, last word,

Men first have children and then leave you , coz,
a/ possibly they don't feel the love anymore with you or
b/because they are irresponsible parents who are scared of responsibilities as  a parent or
c/the stress of parenting has taken a toll on the relationship or
d/he never loved you in the first place,and the child was the last straw that tipped the scales
e/ the pregnancy was accidental or
f/he doubts it is not his child or
g/he loves the child but doesn't want to be with you anymore.
There are a lot of scenarios and therefore let us not stereotype behavior.
I hope this answers your question.

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