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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Revisiting a Four year old ghost-Revisiting a HABIT that was

I call them the "ghost".

People who die, but stay on, linger on.Not that this person died..I just stopped letting them into my world anymore.I completely lost contact and coversation with this person...I shut them out..I  broke out.Finally...too late...the harm was done.

For many many months starting feb 2007 ,almost till may of 2007, all I did was, talk to myself in anger while washing dishes at how much i let this person help me become a dysfunctional shadow of the real me..I ceased being myself with them and funnily, they stopped being themselves while with me.It was bad for both, yet we both continued on and on and on, on the path of mutually destructive and self destructive co existence.All because both of us were slaves of HABIT,scared to move out and walk out and snap out and let it go.We lingered and ruined ourselves and each other in the process..No strength to say NO to each other...Just that OLD HABIT...that old face..whom we longer really like to see even, yet find stangely comforting because it is a familiar face..SLAVES OF FAMILIARITY.
I have seen people spend a lifetime with people they barely really know..except that they live under the same roof, share groceries, fuck mindlessly in the night occasionally,,,and just EXIST...not LIVE..butjust exist..ALL because they are afraid to BREAK OUT OF A HABIT....
Hmmmmm...The interaction lasted a month and few more days...destroyed both us all over again, same patterns,,same outcomes...same same same..same same same same..same..whoa....
I lost credibility in my own eyes...All the four years of pride that i finally broke out of a habit....came down crashing...No pride..Now the pride needs to get rebuilt...again...another four years...seriously..hmmmm.seriously..what was I thinking?

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