Because that is what I thought I deserved

I saw this OPRAH show episode from last year 2010, this episode on this certain  Miss USA who became miss usa and then was later found out to have been addicted to or having used  various pain killers and other drugs  all through the competition and also for many years before that.
When the story first broke out in the media, and when Donald trump took a lot of flak for having her continue as Miss USA inspite of widespread opposition to his decision to let her continue as Miss USA, given the fact that they were knowingly allowing a drug addict to continue do her job as Miss USA, I just let it pass as yet another media sensational story..
It is only after the Oprah interview, that I suddenly paid attention to this whole issue.
Something that this Miss USA girl said during the course of that interview, struck with me for long after i switched off the TV..needless, had to come back and share it on my blog
I usually share PSYCHOLOGY stuff on my Antidote-to-anger blog..So here goes.(if you want to read my other blogs,,look for the top of my blog homepage,,i have links to my other four blogs there)

The girl describes one episode from her teenage years, which struck a personal chord with me(disclaimer, I have never ever taken drugs..ever..but see, the desperate feeling that that is what is you deserve ..is a familiar feeling many teenagers feel, so yeah)
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SHE SAYS AND I QUOTE:
"""" At one party, we were all drinking and i pretended to be MORE WASTED than I actually was so that I could get out of the party sooner.There was this guy, who thought that i was really as wasted as i was pretending to be and so he lifted me and carried me to his car..All along the way to his car, I was fully conscious and was aware of what he was doing and what he was possibly planning to do to me while i was super wasted, but yet, I just pretended that i was wasted..He took me to the car and raped me while i continued to pretend i was wasted.I wasn't really wasted, I could have protested or protected myself, escaped, resisted.But I just lay there and let him do what he wanted to do..I just continued to pretend to be wasted and let him rape me.I DID THAT BECAUSE IN MY HEAD I SUBCONSCIOUSLY FIGURED THAT THAT IS WHAT I DESERVED..."
UNQUOTE
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Then the girl started crying on the oprah interview.
I will tell you why i relate to this.

BEFORE YOU READ FURTHER.PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM NOT TRY TO BE COCKY OR TOOT MY OWN HORN..just stating a situation .please bear with my self praise that follows
I am super talented..I am fully aware of that.totally,I am a doctor.I am good looking. I speak many languages.I do my own home repairs.I am generally loved by my patients and i make friends easily. I am a very very kind and a nice person.My IQ test reports are very high score.I inspire many people each day.I get so many thank yous from friends and strangers alike.I am very talented.I dance , I sing, I paint, I am sporty, I can run 8 miles and not blink..IN SHORT..I am fantastic..I am great..I AM PROUD THAT I AM SO TALENTED TOO..not arrogant..but confident and proud and thankful.
YET..all through my childhood and teen years.I had to take a lot of flak from people because they were nasty to me for the sole reason that THEY FELT THREATENED BY ME or felt like they paled in comparison to me so they had to tarnish my image to make themselves feel better..TRUST ME,bullying out of sheer jealously happens a lot of times in schools and colleges,much more than you can imagine..Many talented people get singled out and harrassed for the sole reason that they are smarter or talented than the rest.I HAVE BEEN A VICTIM of that all through school and college.
So, this kind of harrasment has ALTERED MY PSYCHE in a manner where on many occasions, I have underplayed my talents..
Instead of being confident.I would dumb down the way i speak just to fit in a group of young people who are nothing but mediocre..LEST THEY GET JEALOUS AND THEN START HARRASSING ME .ya know.
so yeah...
and I have no idea why,but INSPITE OF BEING SO TALENTED,I choose the MOST RETARTED, MOST TWISTED, MOST INADEQUATE FLAWED PERSONALITIES TO DATE
A lot of remarkable men ask me out..I will analyze them and will refuse a date if there is a logical reason of possible future incompatibility.I AM PICKY when good men ask me out..then finally,after being very picky, I will then finally go pick up a PROJECT for myself..
By "project" I mean,someone who is a LOT OF WORK to be with,a very damaged, very downtrodden person intellectually, a very unattractive or average looking person, a very unethical person or unkind selfish immature person and then want to have a relationship with them
WONDER WHY I DO that :((( ..truly..such a person WILL NOT EMOTIONALLY OR INTELLECTUALLY FULFIL ME.I am so so smart..yet..why do I do that?
Do I do it to make msyelf feel like a SAINT..who is unselfish and is only having a relationship with somebody out of sheer kindness?
Do I do it because I LIKE THE CHALLENGE? like,I want the mental and emotional challenge of having to deal with an INCONVENIENT INCOMPATIBLE relationship, to see how smart I am.to actually turn it all around and make it work?
or
DO I DO IT COZ I THINK SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND >>> THAT IS WHAT I DESERVE?
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