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Sunday, August 24, 2014

When your spouse EMOTIONALLY WITHDRAWS FROM you-chore burden in a domestic scenario

I am going to start off with stating the fact that i am a board certified physician and thus an QUALIFIED to write a blog entry on medicine or psychology unlike so many unequipped uneducated bloggers who are reading random articles on the internet and then trying to make their own inaccurate psychiatric diagnosis about themselves or those around them.

What brought me to make this article now in 2014 is a recent event.

I watched a video -a vlog as in a video journal log of this VERY VERY TALENTED WOMAN, that i once used to follow on the net.seven years ago she was single and I WON'T REVEAL MORE DETAILS ABOUT HER, but i definitely think she is VERY VERY TALENTED..supertalented..

and just as often as it happens on the net, we sometimes get busy with life and stop keeping track of our fellow internetizens.AND THEN, years later, you want to check on them to find out whatsoever happened to them.

on one such day of the "checking out people from the past" itch, I CHECKED THIS WOMAN OUT, and was surprised to find out that in these seven years, not only has she gotten married, she now has three kids..

and THERE WAS A CHANGE IN HER PERSONALITY.

IN HER VLOGS, she constantly talks about how her husband made this and that and set her kitchen up and other such..

felt very odd, this kinda "husband banter" is what i would expect a sheltered, finanacially dependant housewife who needs a "handman husband" around her house to do things for her to talk or say..

THIS WOMAN? very talented, she could do everything on her ...from what i remembered of her from seven years ago...

BUT NOW, i was almost disappointed at how she talked ...i perceived a loss of personality..a loss of spunk..

ANYWAYS...

coming straight to the ACTUAL POINT OF THIS BLOG...where i plan to talk about domestic chores and how all of that responsiblity is dumped on the FEMALE SPOUSE of the household....

SO, here was this extremely supertalented woman who now was married and had three kids, WHO WAS CONSTANTLY TALKING ABOUT what she makes for dinner for her family..

she kept talking about how SHE plans the meals for her family AND IT WAS ALWAYS, "i have to plan tommorow's meal" or " i cooked this for my kids today"

and i am like,

HOW COME HER HUSBAND DOESN'T FIGURE IN THE MEAL MAKING PLANS AND HOW COME he is not involved equally in cooking dinner for her kids,,THEIR KIDS...wtf!@

i MEAN, she is a working woman, SHE MAKES MONEY OUTSIDE OF THE HOME, she is NOT FREELOADING on her husband like most financially dependant housewives do...

SO, when she is sharing the MONEY EARNING DUTY WITH HER HUSBAND, isn't her husband also expected to now SHARE the chore doing duty at home?

GENDER EQUALITY IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT..

so, TWO THOUSAND ODD YEARS AGO, women were stripped off their equal rights...trust me, HUMANS LIVED for 750 thousand years and we as an animal species were able to do so mainly coz, both women and men had equal access to food and other power rights in their tiny communities

and 2000 years ago, a bunch of jackasses created this idea of LAND OWNERSHIP and then, they PROHIBITED WOMEN from owning land and then, created a POWERLESS CLAN OF WOMEN,who had no access to the resources of the community unless they provided sexual services to a male member of society.

further more ,in these two thousand years, women also were actively prevented from getting education..SKILLS WERE DELIBERATELY passed on only to sons.

So girl children would grow up being DISCRIMINATED AGAINST IN A SENSE OF DESPONDENCY, to a point of adulthood wherein they are desperate to quicly sexually associate themselves with a male member of society coz they have no education and no prospect of jobs in a chauvinistic discriminatory society and no hope for food or security for the future as they were prohibited from land ownership too.

WHY I AM GIVING YOU THIS HISTORICAL BACKGROUND IS to let you better understand how the DUTY OF DOING ALL THE FAMILIAL CHORES FELL ON THE WOMAN'S HEAD ..

coz by the time adulthood SHE IS FINANCIALLY DESPERATE..AND when being with a man, IT IS INDIRECTLY IMPLIED that she earns her food in the family by doing EVERYONE'S CHORES ...

ideally?

IF A GUY GETS HUNGRY, he must be able to get up, chop his veggies, cook his rice, make his sides and eat his meal and clean his dishes too..

THAT IS HOW NORMAL NATURE'S LAWS WORK...you work, you reap results..

HOWEVER,in a chuavinistic society , a man just askes his wife to cook his meal and he just eats, she does the prep, she cooks and she cleans after him...

EVEN IF SHE IS A GENIUS IN PHYSICS, all she is reduced to do is CLEAN THE BABY'S BUTT, AND CLEAN HER HUSBAND'S LAUNDRY..

a waste of human resource and truly a concept of SOCIETY APPROVED ABUSE.

gosh, WHY DO I MAKE MY BLOG ENTRIES ALWAYS SO LONG..

i planned to make a small ,crisp, to the point blog entry but this blog entry just is writing itself out..(btw, i never edit my blog entries, almost everything i post is a FIRST DRAFT).

SO, yeah.

In such a system of abuse, WOMEN OFTEN TEND TO FEEL RESIGNED TO THEIR FATE AND IN THAT PROCESS develop a DEEP SEATED DEPRESSION ...AS A CONCEPT OF A GENERALIZED GENDER TRAIT..

if you leave, virginia woolf's novel mrs.dalloway or watched the movie adaptation of her work called THE HOURS, you will understand the DEEP DEPRESSION SEEN SPECIFICally in the female members of a chauvinistic society as a rule, NOT BECAUSE it is a genetic trait,but a trait that has developed as a COPING MECHANISM to deal with a generally pervasive social system .WHICH ACTIVELY AND RIGHTFULLY DISCRIMINATES against women at the familial and societal level.

so, yeah, coming back to the woman i talked about at the beginning of this blog entry..MARRIAAGE HAS CHANGED HER..it has mellowed her happy spirit and that hurts me to watch.

as a VERY SMART, VERY MULTITALENTED FEMALE PHYSICIAN MYSELF, this upsets me...

and in this same context , sometime in 2009, I HAD INTENDED TO WRITE A SIMILAR BLOG ENTRY ON THE SAME SUBJECT with a relevant story from another couple...and ofcourse, MUST LIKE SO MANY OF MY PENDING BLOG ENTRIES, i didn't write and post it back then.

I SHALL INCLUDE THAT STORY AS WELL, RIGHT HERE...coz it suits the context

in 2009, on TV, i watched a documentary series that dealt with varied social topics and on one such episode, they did talk about CHORE SHARING AT HOME and

as part of the documentary, THEY INTERVIEWED THIS YOUNG MALE, who told this VERY INSIGHTFUL INTERESTING STORY FROM HIS OWN LIFE.

he told that when he and his female sexual partner first started living together, he AUTOMATICALLY assumed that she was the one who was supposed to do the dishes and other chores coz all boys are brought up in families where the woman ends up doing the chores of everyone else too.

AND he says that they had dated for years before they finally moved in together.

and within a month of their moving in, HE REALIZED SOMETHING.

HE REALIZED THAT SHE EMOTIONALLY WITHDREW.

and when he realized that.HE TRIED TO FIND OUT AND ANALYZE WHAT HE MIGHT HAVE DONE IN ORDER FOR HER TO EMOTIONALLY WITHDRAW THAT WAY, when infact , for the many years that they dated though they never lived together, HE HAD EXPERIENCE IMMENSE EMOTIONAL CLOSENESS WITH HER...

he realized that the emotional withdrawal started possibly because she felt RESENTFUL AND BETRAYED that she did the dishes each night and she did all the chores.

THIS YOUNG MAN THEN HAD THE emotional intelligence TO REPAIR THIS crack in his previously wonderful relationship.

HE OFFERED TO SHARE ALL THE CHORES WITH HER and soon he realized that she was back to the emotionally available state she used to be with him during their dating period..

yes, SMALL THINGS you do , CAN HURT YOUR SPOUSE OR HEAL YOUR SPOUSE AND MEND OR BREAK RELATIONSHIPS.

I always say this to everyone,

if you want to eat, learn to cook

if you want clean dishes, CLEAN THEM YOURSELF.

if you want your house clean, clean it YOURSELF.

if you know how to poop, YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO CLEAN YOUR OWN TOILET.

if you wear clothes, YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY.

this adage holds good for anyone over the age of 11, irrespective of what your gender or social standing is..

i don't care if you are rich or poor or a man or a woman..PLEASE DO YOUR OWN CHORES, don't be shameless and make someone else do all your drudgery chores..IT IS ABUSE..

Tags: #gender_equality, #gender_discrimination, #chore_distribution_in_a_family, #why_are_women_forced_to_do_all_chores_in_a_familial_unit

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