Dysfunctional relationships as a cause of SHOPPING ADDICTION and HOARDING!

Okay! when you are born to a generous dad who decides to give you tons of spending money coz he is so proud his dearest daughter got into MED SCHOOL, you end up having too many shoes in med school.why? and how?let me tell you the story now

I used to buy one pair of shoes every week(okay,once every three weeks to be very accurate.LOL.Once a week is just too much even by bored spendthrift standards!).

(on retrospect , I think I USED to do that coz I WAS with a guy who was "kinda" my boyfriend by the default rule that we hung out together a lot.WE were so incompatible that I kinda shut myself out OF anything he had to say by actually at point of our acquaintance asking him NOT TO SHARE HIS PERSONAL STUFF TOO MUCH with me anymore..WHY ON earth did I DO THAT?

Well, for one, by the third date, I REALIZED that he was VERY FAKE, as in , THE FRONT HE WAS PUTTING UP for me to see, was not the real him..
From my visit to his home, I GATHERED that he had a lot of secrets, a lot of skeletons in the cupboard(which btw, as time went on I found out or figured out and then I REELED IN SHOCK at those shocking secrets of his and then I went into a deep depressive mode for years TILL I FINALLY BROKE UP WITH HIM..I was shocked and appaled and scared to even break up with him for the longest time.I WAS SHOCKED INTO inaction and ended up  FREEZING time in my head.really!)

And around that same time , like I already stated, I also realized that WHATEVER he told me WAS HIS CLEVER MANIPULATIVE VERSION of his side of the story...WHICH WERE ALL REALLY FAR FROM THE ACTUAL TRUTH of what actually happened.

In short, HE WAS A BROKEN, DAMAGED confused guy .
I figured..I CAN SAVE MYSELF THE STRESS of knowing all the disturbing shit, by simply REFUSING to listen to the manipulative banter altogether.

NO POINT..ya know..

I HAVE THIS TENDENCY to completely shut myself out of conversations from people WHO distress me with their dishonesty! I hate small talk too.

So,yeah, coming back to the shoes, well, since WE HAD NO REAL CONVERSATIONS anymore since i SHUT MYSELF OUT of him, we spent most of our dates each day, just walking down shopping malls/streets and sit at a cafe, with me and a medical textbook or me nervously bantering about the nasty people at the dorm and such mainly coz someone had to fill the silences..AND given that he was bitter that I WON'T LET HIM SHARE HIS STORIES(all cleverly put stories of his), he sat there, not really listening, but just all glazed out..passive aggressive behavior from his part.

he was much like an au pair for my trips to the shopping mall.

I didn't like shopping malls or cafes either,but since, he no longer wanted me visiting his home (coz , i started asking too many questions about his lifestyle I suppose),we really had no place to meet after college..
Given that i hated him so much and given how incompatible we were,Why were we still meeting up? For one, HE HAD NO GUTS TO JUST BREAK UP ..and I was too shocked to take any action.

NEITHER OF US WANTED the relationship ANYMORE..i suppose, but we went on and on with it ..LIKE IDIOTS who had no value for time  and as if ,we deserved to punish ourselves with a dysfunctional,non-productive,destructive relationship.

Amidst all the silences and resentment and passive aggressive non-involvment from his side,IT would get all boring ,what with the NON COMMUNCATION and bitter silences and what not, that I WOULD end up shopping for no reason ..FOR THINGS I REALLY I didn't NEED or care about to begin with.
SHOES come into the picture.maybe handbags,books and dresses figured somewhere there too on the list.

sO,EACH DAY,i kept meeting this guy,whom, right from the second date,I HATED WITH ALL MY HEART, and yet,I just went on and on with it and in the process LOST OUT a lot, and also kept BUYING AND HOARDING STUFF??

Finally,after med school,I FINALLY BROKE UP WITH HIM ONE DAY.

and funnily,I soon stopped compulsive shopping too..
.I REALLY WAS NEVER A PATHOLOGICAL SHOPPER before i met him and I WENT BACK TO MY ORIGINAL happy self once i broke up with him.

That really told me as to how UNHAPPY he made me feel in life,so much to a point where i started developing unhealthy habits of compulsive shopping and such!

Where am i going with this blog article?

So,people,if you see yourself compuslively SHOPPING for things you don't need or compulsively running after materialistic things like shoes,perfumes and handbags,it is time to LOOK AT YOUR OWN LIFE WITH ALL HONESTY, to see if the relationships you have with people around you are distressing you in some way or if there is some emptiness in your heart or disappointments about yourself which you are trying to compensate by HOARDING STUFF.

How NOT TO PANIC..TIDE OVER THAT HALF HOUR OF SEVERE PANIC ATTACK SOMEHOW

This is as much a SELF HELP blog for myself as it is for others like Mr.U and many of you readers who have PANIC ATTACKS..All of us have and will panic at one point of time or another..

Some of us might do it MORE OFTEN than others.

In my INFORMED OPINION(me being a physician and all),Panic attacks are DEFINITELY NOT A MENTAL DISORDER.
Though , when I studied in MED SCHOOL I noted  they do describe it as an ALTERATION FROM A NORMAL  Behavioral RESPONSE TO A SITUATION..

What is "NORMAL" anyways, I ask!

Psychiatry idealistically expects all HUMANS TO BE CLONES...
We are all not clones and therefore we must all be allowed our behavioural quirks,if you may!

So yeah, I wrote an article way back in December 2010.
An article about my new year resolutions back then.
After writing it in a frenzy, I didn't PUBLISH it on the blog.I just published it a few hours ago after suddenly accidentally spotting it in one of my draft files..

If you want to read the WHOLE NY RESOLUTIONS FOR 2011 article(which btw is VERY VERY LONG)look in my RAMBLE BLOG archives to spot it..

When I re-read it last night, I realized that some of the paragraphs in that blog entry could easily qualify as a separate blog entry on this ANTIDOTE TO ANGER BLOG.
HENCE, A partial REPOST is warranted for my psychology/psychiatry article enthusiasts here on this blog
Here goes the repost bit
I have this tendency to make impulsive decisions during that half hour of panic attack and then after that panic attack tides, I still have to abide by those impulsive decisions I made  during the panic attack and /or , track back on those ideas  which is a big big big waste of time.
One impulsive thing I often times do during panic attacks is EMAIL old bfs or try calling family...Trust me, in a panic attack, NOTHING HELPS except yourself consciously TIDING IT OVER CALMLY.

FOOL

See the picture below and notedown the very first word you notice in that picture

I was reading Jason's blog the other day and he had posted a blog entry dated December 21, 2010 titled Secrets  and had asked all of us to reblog this to our own blogspot friends and readers..Much like a blog meme
THE FIRST WORD I SAW IN THIS PICTURE WAS
FOOL
Judging from the title of jason's blog, I think, the first word that he spotted was SECRETS
Anyways , WHAT I THINK IS,All these blog meme quizzes are more for entertainment value and  are for "knowing more about each other via questionnaire"   rather than holding any REAL actual scientific value to ALLOW to psychoanalyze you based on your likes and dislikes.Doing that would make the mind matter far too simple to defragment, no?
However,, this "spot the first word you see" is based on a particular psychoanalytical technique which is scientifically RELEVANT,which is why I post this blog entry in my "ANTIDOTE TO ANGER" blog which deals with psychology,and sociology on a regular basis("not-so-regular basis" as it appears off late.LOL)
See, let me break this test down for you
All of us have thoughts each day
We think about this and that and many such things as the hours in a day pass by.
Many thoughts that we have at any given time are often associated with issues happening right there and then to us, and some issues are there at the back of our mind and there are  also even more pressing issues that we are secretly racking our brains with too.
So, when a picture with many multiple hidden words in presented like a SUDOKU puzzle to us,our mind tends to spot what interests us most at that given point and what interests us most is what is already in our subconscious mind right then
So,the word we spot is essentially an indicator of what might be preoccupying our head just right then
We tend to notice things we already are thinking of subconsciously,more so than even see things that might actually be there .Our minds haven't really thought about that possibility CONSCIOUSLY though!
we see what we think we see or what we assume we must see or what we expect to see
We see what we already have formulated in our head ..
Anyways..
So,why perhaps did I chose the word FOOL?
Just before going to that blog entry,I was kinda thinking of "what an emotional fool I was" and just to take my mind off things, went to browse jason's blog and then it baffled me when the first word I spotted was FOOL...
Quickly I went to read if everyone else also had spotted FOOL first.
Scientific psychoanalysis must rule out FALSE POSITIVES..(JUST can't TAKE THE SCIENTIST DOCTOR OUT OF ME)

In some MENTALIST exercises,certain cards or words are deliberately designed in such a way that everyone will end up noticing the very same thing  first...So,I just wanted to rule out that this puzzle card wasn't some MENTALIST GIMMICK
Thus, when a magician asks you flip through a magazine and remember one page., the MAGIC the magazine is designed in such a  pattern or manner, that eventually, one page is more prominent than others,,very subtly so, and thus all of us end up registering the very same thing. and so when the magician reveals the words you made a mental note of,you think it is magic..but it is really NOT
This is how many CARD TRICKS that appear regularly on those " mind-game-magic-shows" happen on TV too
Anyways, coming back to this test,I just had to rule out that this picture was not yet another cleverly designed magic trick
It wasn't
I was relieved to find that others had spotted other words..So, this is not a eye trick kinda test...so indeedy...this was a mind reader test..
cool.:)))

And i spotted FOOL
blah...bleeeehhhh..LOL